Forgiveness: finding peace in truth
forgivenes: embracing truth
Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution (source:Wikipedia). It is important to realize that you are the one making the choice to forgive. This means that you can end your own suffering.
Loving or leaving?
Making the right choice through serenity and love
Being in a relationship with someone with an unhealthy habit is a choice. This is a fundamental truth and our awareness of it is the beginning point of recovering from our suffering. Continue reading
Denial
The insanity of denial
Sometimes things happen in your life that are so painful that you put them away in the deepest realms of our mind. Sometimes you even deny them. This denial protects you from having to feel or relive pain or suffering.
When living with a partner, a friend, a family memeber or someone else with an unhealthy habit, it is very likely that that person, and you as well, are suffering from the painful consequences. All you want to do is end the suffering. He or she has to stop. Nor do you want to feel the pain anymore. Continue reading
Forgiveness
forgiveness: a state of mind
When you or your loved one(s) suffer from an unhealthy habit, blame and anger or guilt and shame, are states of mind that many of us are all too familiar with. We feel guilty and ashamed for the suffering we cause. We are angry and blame others for our own pain. What we sometimes do not realize is that these states become an unhealthy habit in themselves. We become used to them. Our lives and the way way deal with people, places and events, and especially how we perceive them, are dominated by them. It has become a form of energy we fuel our lives with. But why would we want to be fueling something that causes us pain and negativity? And what can we do to end this behavior? I have found that forgiveness is the key. Continue reading
The truth about people pleasing
The excuse of 'people pleasing'
People pleasing is said to be one of the character traits in many people suffering from unhealthy habits. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. Being nice and helpful to others is a good thing, as long is it feels right. The truth is that often we feel just the opposite: fear, anger and frustration. Why is this and what can we do about it. Continue reading
About al-anon’s “step one”
The illusion of being in control...
To get rid of unhealthy habits many people turn to so-called 12-step programs, such as AA, CA, Al-Anon, to name just a few of the more than 50.
Regular meetings in which the participants suffering from the same habits share their personal stories and experience form the basis of these programs.
It is common practice to have a so-called “step 1 meeting” when there are newcomers in the group. I remember my first al-anon meeting vividly (note: al-anon is a 12 step program for people living or having lived with an alcoholic partner, family member, parent , child, friend, colleague, etc.) and it may be worth while to share this experience with you. Continue reading
What makes your habits tick?
Uncovering the perceived benefits of habits is the beginning of recovery
Unhealthy habits cause pain. Both to those who suffer from them and to the people around them. If we accept the common view that addiction is an incurable “disease”, how encouraging is this? And most of all, is it true?
There was a day in each of our lives when we were free from the habits we are suffering from today. A day when the first seed was planted out of which grew the behavior or the thinking that is bothering us today; whether it’s the first drink, the first cigarette, the first line of cocaine, the first shot of heroin, the first cut, the habit of over- and/or undereating, obsessive thinking or phobic fears.
Why is it, that over time this seed turned into a pattern, a habit, that is so hard to get rid of. It is this question that we must ask ourselves to get to the root of the problem. And it is the answer that is at the root of recovery.
Why you don’t need resolutions
You already are...
This is a time when many of us make resolutions. And very often they have to do with habits or behaviors we want to get rid of. I have good news for you.You don’t need them anymore.
Do you realize that the moment you are making your resolution, your wish has already come true. Think about it. The moment you make the resolution to stop smoking,to be nice to someone,or to lose weight, it is already so. Right there and then, you have stopped smoking. You are being nice. You are losing weight.
You don’t need the resolution anymore. And that is a good thing. Let me explain why.
It all has to do with your beliefs. If you believe that you need a resolution to make a change, it obviously implies that you believe that you haven’t changed yet. This is the basis for frustration and struggle. And to free ourselves from this, we relapse into our old behavior. And that is why many of us “fail” in keeping our “promise”. We judge ourselves. We feel guilty.
If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that the key to saying farewell to unhealthy habits lies in what you think, what you believe. (see for example this post).
By giving up the resolution right after you have made it, you are free. Focus on the here and now. Be aware that the change you desire has indeed already and instantly occurred. It is true and real. You can believe it instantly. Enjoy the relief. Exhale deeply and mentally say to yourself: I am losing weight now, I am smoke free now, I am nice now. Be fully aware of the relief and the freedom , and grateful too.
At the beginning and end of each day slow down your mind and repeat the above affirmations. Do this for 21 days. You will be amazed and you can say farewell to resolutions.
The truth about higher power
Any doubts about higher power?
In 12-step programs such as AA, Al-anon, CA, XA, SLAA (and there are many more) the basis for recovery is the belief in a “Higher Power as you understand him” or “God”. So what to do with this when you consider yourself to be an atheist or when you are not a Christian.
In many conversations I have had with people suffering from unhealthy habits I commonly hear – or sense –some form of anger or frustration when talking about this notion of a Higher Power. Some people are outright pi..ed off. How can it be, they ask themselves, that there is so much (personal) suffering and misery in their lives and in the world if there is a God. Why does the Higher Power let this happen? If this is how you think, then this post is for you. Continue reading
Turning the holiday blues around
I am fully and completely able to enjoy...
For those suffering from unhealthy habits the holidays can be a difficult time of the year. I often hear that to many of us, days like Thanksgiving, St. Nicolas, Diwali, Hanukkah or Christmas are triggers to watch out for. Of course this is not so (see my previous post on triggers). Also, the end of the year is the time for making life changing resolutions to lose weight, stop smoking, stop drinking, and so on. This too is not the most helpful way to recovery and happiness (see this post). So, what can you do to enjoy this time of the year? Continue reading
Low self-esteem: who’s judging who?
This thing called self-esteem...
One of the recurring themes that comes up when talking to people suffering from unhealthy habits is “low self-esteem”, both as a cause, an excuse and/or as a symptom for their behavior or thinking. The word self-esteem implies a judgment we have about ourselves. The word low expresses the result of that judging process. When our self-esteem is low, we judge ourselves to be not good enough. However, isn’t judgment up to an impartial judge and jury. So, who is judging who? Awareness about the true nature of this thing called low self-esteem can be very helpful in recovery and you will find out that it is all about the ego’s insanity. Continue reading
The truth about triggers
No toughts, no triggers...
Are unhealthy habits triggered and if so, how and by what. In treatment programs the expression HALT (an abbreviation for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is often used to indicate risk factors that could trigger undesirable unhealthy habits. The truth is that it is your thinking that is at the root of your unhealthy habits, and you can say farewell to them by applying 7 fundamental principles. Continue reading
EFT may help you
Acupressure tapping points in EFT
EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. It is a very simple technique that is based on tapping easily accessible acupressure points with your fingers to rid yourself of obsessive or negative thoughts, cravings and physical ailments. I have thoroughly researched the subject and it is undeniable that studies do show very significant beneficial results. For obvious reasons please read the medical disclaimer below. Continue reading
The 4 words you should stop saying
Albert Einstein: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"
When you are suffering from an unhealthy habit, there are four very familiar words that have more than likely been going through your mind often enough to make you feel weak, guilty and miserable.In my book Addiction Farewell the first piece of advice I give you is to delete this little phrase from your vocabulary. And for a very good reason. Continue reading
Unhealthy habits: self-image versus true self
Self-image: the root of unhealthy habits
Contemplating the statement “I am an addict” or “I am addicted” is an important step in unlearning unhealthy habits. The key question is who the “I” is. The answer may surprise you and may radically change the view you have of yourself. Continue reading
Addiction farewell
Addiction farewell
I do not like the words addiction or addict. It makes me think of commonly used labels, such as “disease”, “powerlessness”, “patient” and the need for a “higher power”. It creates a sense of unavoidable dependency and despair, taking away the incentive for an active personal involvement in working on recovery, on healing. I prefer to talk about unhealthy habits, and that includes the way you think. Continue reading
Truth versus selective perception
Selective perception: what do you see here?
The reality you perceive may not be the truth. People have a tendency to interpret what they perceive through their senses, according to what they believe, according to their convictions. It is very useful to be aware of these “tricks” your mind and your thinking may play on you. Continue reading
Dealing with feelings
Observe, do not judge
When you live with an addict you are likely to experience anger, frustration, fear, shame and guilt. These feelings may become very overwhelming. They stand in the way of a happy and peaceful life and make it hard to make calm and conscious choices. There are ways to deal with such feelings, and you have more control over them than you might expect. Continue reading
About boundaries
Setting boundaries: how important is it?
When dealing with the addiction of a loved one in your life you may experience all kinds of painful emotions and difficulties, and there is only so much you can humanly take. A very effective way of avoiding this is to set boundaries. Continue reading
The three C’s
The three C's from al-anon
One of the most common problems when dealing with an addict in your life is that you blame yourself. You ask yourself: “Why is it that no matter what I do and how hard I try, the addict(s) in my life doesn’t change and the pain and suffering doesn’t stop”. Or “What am I doing wrong, for if I would do it right, he or she would not drink, do drugs, etc.”
In my upcoming book I explain how and why this is. Continue reading